I once was lost but now, I'm found

(no subject)
Only Southern Girls are flawless
Today is Joey's birthday party. I invited Kori and her husband, Nathan over. Which means I will have to clean. Argh. I hate cleaning but it will be good to clean up a bit. I have also been doing some spring cleaning in my life as well. I have made the resolution to stop talking to people whom treat me like garbage, or the people who's loyalties can not be trusted. Unfortunatly, this list includes some of my once dear friends. It has taken me a long time to get to this point but I now have the understanding that I can not constantly be holding onto friendships that are not worth holding onto or holding onto causes me suffering. In Buddhism, this state of mind is refered to as the Trishna. Although the world is not easily translated to in English, it is meaning holding on, the clinging, I can no longer cling to these two people. They are not to be trusted at this point in time in my life. I need positive influences, positive people in my life and this 'group' if you will is dragging me down. I have sat for days pondering this, if maybe I was being irrational. However, when consulting the positive influences in my life, it was made clear to me that I was not being irrational and that these two people are not good for me. I deserve loyal and honest friends. I deserve to have friends whom are not snakes and are not disrespectful to me. Peraphs, these people in the seperation of our friendships will understand that they lack loyalties and respect that true friends need. I am in a very moderate state of mind right now, I am strong enough to continue on my own however weak in the sense of accomplishment. I need people who make me feel accomplished and feel good about myself. Why, you may ask because this is what friends do for eachother. Although, there will be no rash decisions, no myspace drama, their phone calls will be ignored. There messages will be read but not responded too, along with their comments until I am strong enough to deal with these indivuals.Until, I AM ready to say what I need to say to clear the air with these two people. Garabage goes out in the trash but maybe someone who is more responsive will pick them up and give them a happy home. Until then, I am thankful for my new set of friends, who are making me strong. Your patience, time and effort will be rewarded in due time.

Miss Halfway
Only Southern Girls are flawless
I heard this song last night and it just fits my life right now.

Anya Marina- Miss Halfway

You oughts hear the mirror in my house
You oughta fear her pretty, pretty mouth
Says I'm imperfect in every way
Miss Almost, Miss Maybe, Miss Halfway

All my friends in L.A.
Got jobs on Melrose Place
I play replacement songs and sigh
A waitress in the sky

You oughta hear the things I've been thinking
You oughta swim in a heart that is sinking
You try to break me with all the things you say
Miss Almost, Miss Maybe, Miss Halfway

Tony makes sixty K
Invests in IRA's
But I'm busy making paper airplanes
Out of resumes

But I'm gonna burn I'm gonna shine and multiply
I'm gonna fill up the great divide
You'll never break me with all the things you say
Miss Almost, Miss Maybe, Miss Halfway

I'm gonna burn a pie now and then
And I'm gonna say the wrong things to your friends
I'm gonna burn and shine and multiply
And when I do, you're gonna see me in her eyes

I'm gonna burn and shine and multiply
I'm gonna fill up the great divide

You'll never break me with all the things you say
Miss Almost, Miss Maybe, Miss Halfway
Miss Almost, Miss Maybe, Miss Halfway
Miss Halfway, Miss Halfway, Miss Halfway

Man, I'm alive..
Only Southern Girls are flawless

It has taken me a bit of time to address the issues that are going on within the last week. Especially the Virginia Tech massacre, it has made it very difficult to smile for me this week. The week has recently brought me many pondering thoughts about my life and what I am capable of doing for people, for animals. How I can possibly change the world? I know, it might be impossible for me change the entire world but what is my destiny? Am I to be thought of as a good person, an inspirational person, a great thinker, writer, mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter.. am I to be thought of as all these things.. will I live up to these things that seem to be so far away for me. Some of them, I have already accomplished but if I was to die tomorrow or today, would I be happy with who I was? Would I become a Buddha? Have I mastered enlightenment? Am I a happy person? Do people feel warmth when around me or do they receive chills? Do people find me attractive? Would I go to heaven, even though, I am not a prophet of Christ or an avid believer of one God? Can I forgive or am I to judgmental? Am I to be forgiven about the wrong things I have done. The answer to most of these questions that run a treadmill on my mind all the time, is a yes. However, I might not think that myself and the higher power, whatever it might be, are one yet. I am far from becoming a Buddha or a great thinker. I know through my experiences with my life, I can help people.

If we all took the time to get to know one person, would it have prevented Cho from killing 31 college students/professors? If someone had just taken to the time to get to know him to show him that someone cared, to show him that the life he is privileged to live can be and is a beautiful thing. When you have a creative mind or a creative person, you tend to draw the crowd of creativity around you. Some of the people, you will meet in life, you will think of as amazing thinkers and also on the break of generousness but there is a fine line between genius and crazy. How do you determine if they are crazy or just genius? I am not sure if there even is away to determine. I have been very mournful this week of the people whom have suffered this great tragedy in their lives. However this week, I have shed a lot of tears for people I didn't know and it's been awhile that I have been humbled like this and felt entirely to small and helpless. I have taken steps to get to know people, to smile more because it might make my day better. I have realized that the only way I can change the world is to just keep living and smiling. No matter what has put me in such destain that day, I need to keep being happy, learning about cultures, understanding people and animals. I am determined to take at least a few moments out of my day to get to know a complete stranger, to have strangers get to know me and to smile at me. I truly believe this will make our lives much brighter and slowly begin to teach our children that we are all equals and all deserve to be treated as you would want to be treated. I have also come to the realization that we can not have good without evil.

Going Nowhere Quick
Guys are like buses
I was thinking the other day of how I feel about Tiki exactly. Sex is good. We're good friends but as far as relationships are deemed. I don't think he would be an ideal boyfriend for me. 1. I am three years older then him or 2 1/2 years but whom counts the half? 2. As a friend, I want him to go out and expirence life and accomplish his goals. The same he wants for me but whenever he and I are in relationships, we get held back. 3. He wants me to be more confident in myself. Whatever that means other then my weight problem that is the problem that I really have with myself but that holds a lot of issues in itself. 4. He has some teeny booper/ high school whore that he wants to date. I make fun of it on the constant but truely I am a jealous person when it comes to him. I should probably learn to lose that jealousy and turn it into something more productive but how would he know that I care if I wasn't jealous? If I just didn't care? See my point. 5. He thinks he's the only one so to speak in my life as far as possiably relationships/sexual relatioships go. Totally inaccurate, I have another possiable sexual partner but he is proving to be more for fun then for anything else to develop. I deserve a well rounded relationship, a caring partner, and someone with a FUCKING JOB and SOME FUCKING MONEY! Honestly, guys my age are all losers with no ambition or at least it feels this way. Where is that ONE? THAT ONE WITH AMBITION, DRIVE, SELF WORTH, HONESTY, BALANCE, HAPPINESS, STABILITY.. or am I asking for to much? These are things that I am looking for in myself still, most of them I have execpt for balance and stabilty. Sooner or later, I will get them but I admit I do like when things are toopsy-tervy. So, I have come to conclusion that I expect that Tiki and I will go nowhere quick. We're friends and that's the way it needs to remain for the time. We are just friends that happen to have sex? Yes, I do not get it but I am comfortable with accepting him & I as we are now. Friends w/ Benefits. As for the other, he's a good guy but that road will lead to no where and why waste my time and emotion on someone whom is a dead end. Why am I wasting my time on dead end streets anways, I must elevate. LOOK FOR BETTER, LOOK FOR MORE, LOOK FOR SOMEONE WHOM WANTS ME JUST AS MUCH AS I WANT THEM AND TO SHOW ME THIS. Typical for someone in their 20's.. eveyone seems to be on a dead end road.. shit I have to get ready for work. Back to prison.

Trip down memory lane..
Only Southern Girls are flawless
I heard this song on the radio yesterday when they were playing some "Old Skool" jam. The song made me smile and think of a few good men, I've been blessed to have in my life.


Put it On Me

[Ja Rule]
Where would I be without my baby
The thought alone might break me
And I don't wanna go crazy
But every thug needs a lady

[Ja Rule]
Girl it feel like you and I been mourning together
Inseparable, we chose pain over pleasure
For that you'll forever be a, part of me
Mind body and soul ain't no I in we (baby)
When you cry who wipes your tears
When you scared, who's telling you there's nothin to fear
Girl I'll always be there
When you need a shoulder to lean on
Never hesitate knowing you can call on, your soul-mate
And vice versa, that's why I be the first to
See Jacob's and frost your wrist up
Now you owe me, I know you're tired of being lonely
So baby girl put it on me

[Chorus 2X: Ja Rule]
Where would I be without you (uh)
I only think about you (yeah)
I know you're tired of being lonely (lonely)
So baby girl put it on me (put it on me)

Yo, and I appreciate the rocks and gifts that you cop me baby
And that house on the hill when you drop like 80
On a down payment thinking damn ain't life gravy

And ever since for my honey I been twice the lady
What would I do without the nights that you kept me warm
When this cold world had a girl caught in a storm
And I accept when you riff when you caught in the wrong
And respect when you flip, 'cause our love is strong
And when you hit the block, I watch for 10-4
And when my pops asleep you snuck in the backdoor
Baby boy we been down since junior high
So when life get hot in july it's the world against you and I

We ballin', tied together and never
Heart from the heart, knew that it would last forever
When you told me, you would never leave me lonely
So baby boy put it on me


[Ja Rule]
Since we met it's been you and I
A tear for a tear, baby eye for an eye
And you know that my heart gon cry
If you leave me lonely
Cuz you not just my love you my homie
Who's gonna console me, my love
I'm outta control hold me, my love
Cause I'm yours
And I don't wanna do nothin to hurt my baby girl
If this was our world it'd be all yours, baby
The thought alone might break me
And I don't wanna go crazy
Cause every thug needs a lady (yeah, yeah)
I feel you baby cause them eyes ain't lying
Wash away all the tears there be no more crying (baby)
And you complete me, and I would die if you ain't wit me
So baby girl put it on me

[Chorus] -[ 2X] 

Btw, Happy Easter everyone. :)

(no subject)
Only Southern Girls are flawless
Myspace Layouts
Myspace Layouts

Party like a RockStar
Only Southern Girls are flawless
My myspace tracker, tracked Tikki's high school whore on my myspace today. lol.

In other news, talked to Robert tonight. He and his new gf appear to be working things out. Although, it was a little weird to have both parties want to talk to me. I must admit, she's a great girl and I like her. Good job, Robert. :)

Today was my first day back from work in almost 2 weeks and I admit it was a much needed vacation. Cingular is a pain in the ass but I am thankful that I have a job that is flexable when I want some time off as long as proper notice is given. I like the company but fear I am getting very sick of this job. Unfortately, my friend, Juaned quit while I was gone and Yessenia is still there. She's barely hanging by a thread and due to the stress in her marriage, her complexion is getting really pale and she's getting very thin. She's a tiny girl to start with but now she's getting really frail and I am worried.

My new shift is going to be 8AM-5PM, M,T,W,TR,F; Saturdays & Sundays off.

My paycheck was nice and should allow me to party it up a bit this weekend. I am hoping to run into the Cutie but prospects look grim. I must remember that I have a few things to do before I can party though. 

*Must purchase foundation, razors, shampoo & conditioner- 50.00 (ROFL, right.)
*Pay Mommy rent 400.00
*Pay Matt back $40.00 for hotel stay. 

490.00 total for finical obligations.

Other wants
Money to party/eat/buy cig /purchase e-pass due to trips to Sanford and Downtown are more frequent/ with 100.00 for two weeks.
Other needs with be gas and other crap that I will wonder what I spent it on.

No apologies.
Only Southern Girls are flawless

I am aware that people really care about me.

Some of my friendships lately are being tested. I have always been fully aware of myself and who I was but are other people aware of themselves? For instance, I get the impressions that some of my friends are fake. They are peoples friends to get information on others and gossip. This is a common problem for me, as I am the gossip queen but most gossip tends to be about myself not around others. I question their loyalties, and despise their weakness. The more and more I talk to this person, I realize just how ignorant they are about life and the actions of other people, especially the opposite sex. I am ignorant by the opposite sex a lot of the time but I am not completely blinded by them, no matter how desperate I might become. In the last few weeks or days, this person has made me nauseous several times when we talk. I don't know what it is. Perhaps, the utter crap that comes out of this person's mouth or just their simple minded view on love. Almost child like and Cinderella-y .  

I suppose it could be the differences in crowds this person and I belong too. This person tends to hang around spoiled rich brats and well, I hang around a lot of spoiled rich brats but the are pretty real....most of the time...

I am starting to believe maybe I should stop talking to this person. I can only take to much crap in my ears at once. Besides, I hate it when they go around acting like a fucking Saint. Give me a break, really.

High School Whores
Only Southern Girls are flawless
That high school whore went to Tikki's house yesterday while I was there. And he writes he back, "Sorry you should have come up?" after telling me he blew her off.


Hating the machine
Only Southern Girls are flawless
So much to say...
So much to say..
So much to say..

Open up my head and let me out..

Dave Matthew's Band

Tally was much fun. Cheers to good time traveling. After Matt and I finally arrived in Orlando which seemed like an endless trip back. I went somewhere, but I can't remember where I was on Saturday....wait, damn my stoner self.. I was with Robert. We talked and drank and watched the show Riches. He persuaded me to play Dr. Phil with his girlfriend. Weird, I am doing that a lot lately. Now, if I could take my own advice. I would be a well to do type of girl but a good philosopher never takes their own advise.
Expect when it comes to breaking up with someone. Brian has been acting very strange lately. He's sent me two emails on myspace which I will post for your reading pleasure and has sent me 3 text messages, one over a week ago telling me about his roommate's new girlfriend, the other two were today. Mentioning how I could be so cold as to forget about him, but these are the rules of a break up, you don't talk. In my life, there has been many individuals that break that mold, OK one, Robert. Mind you, I have not responded to any of Brian's messages, text, phone call or via message on myspace.

 RE: Weee
Body:hope he treats you good just not give you what you want, see ya sorry we couldnt work it out hpe life treats you well, I cant live worried if im doing the right thing i am who i am.

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
Jackie Oh!
Date: Mar 23, 2007 1:18 PM

Hey Everyone,
I will be away for the weekend. :)

Finally getting out of Orlando for a bit. For any questions or concerns please contact my secretary KOKO



Date:Mar 24, 2007 8:06 PM
Subject:No Subject
Body:glad to know you can so easly forget about me, a least im not a lasting impretion on you good to know im so bad at a good impretion to make you want to love me as a real woman should. good times,hope you do well in life nice knowing you ,cant keep being strung along by someone that dont know what they want as much as they tell them self that they do,love ya sorry it couldnt work its self out. lif is to short to think i should fight for whats right if its right i wouldnt have to fight. been nice, so long. love yea wish the best.

(PS, A real woman doesn't love a man with no hopes, dreams, ambitions, 2 felonies  and no high school education, Sorry but I want more in a lover then a loser.)
These messages are more of a nuisance then substance for me. If I really wanted to talk to him or find out what is going on in his life, I would. Honestly, I have no interest in finding out how he's doing at this present time. Oh of course when he put a message about me going to Tally, it made me laugh because the trip was totally innocent and with Matt. LOL, we went to a party to check out chicks. LOL.

Sunday, I went to Tikki's house and we went to Oscar's in Sanford for a few drinks. We had good times. We went back to Tikki's and hung out. There is a lot more going on here then I am telling in this Livejournal. For at least right now that is. 

Must go back to work tomorrow and become a part of the machine.

 I should have Tikki or Robert call him and tell him to leave me a lone but I won't take it to that extreme. I hope he will just go away. Also out of respect for Chris is why I won't do my normal scandolous things to turn a guy competely off from me. Damn it, I miss you Chris, my friend! :(


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