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I once was lost but now, I'm found


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Fools in Love
Only Southern Girls are flawless
jackiejournal
I just wish I could mold certain men into the men, I know they can be. I am at a time of my life where I feel tired of trying to play with the dough because it gets underneath my nails and all over the table. It's always so much work to clean it up. I am tired of the men who think my life is such a walk on the beach like I don't know how to count my own blessings and how their lives have been so tragic and flawed. .  I miss Robert. I miss the way he and I was. I know, I shouldn't miss him but I do. I laid in bed on Thursday night on his side of the bed or what used to be his side. I felt empty and covered myself up with my blanket hoping the feeling would just go away like a bad dream. It's been a long time since I thought of him and I. The way we used to be, smiling and spontaneous, in love.  I miss those times of having someone I could trust with everything. Although, I have had a lot of boyfriends after him I just can't feel the same way. I know, I will love someone just as much or maybe more but it will be different. It has taken me a long time to get over Robert and whenever I think I am over him, I hear a certain song, or smell a certain smell and it makes me think of him. I am blessed that we still talk and we've become good friends. I would never tell him any of these thoughts in fear of being seen as weak and venerable. I try to hide these character flaws so well and I find it beautiful about myself that past all the hard shell there is chocolate like an M&M. I hope to find someone one day, who thinks this is beautiful too.
I am always in search of love; to find that one person whom understands me.  I have been thinking a lot of the people from my past. I looked at a picture of me and Austin yesterday and it made me smile. I don't have any recent photographs of Tiki and I. I looked at the old pictures of Krystal, Will, Yitza and I. I have good memories of them and I would like to keep it that way...memories. I feel like a different person, now. Something has come a long and changed me. Perhaps, it was what Tiki said to me, how I was snobby at times. I never realized it before but yes, I was snobby with my success. Now, I am sitting in the same jeans that I was in before, literally. I guess, it's never to healthy to get to big for your britches. I just thought at the time it was his take on what I had become when he was interested in me. I just wasn't feeling him like that at that point and time. I am still very impartial to him as a friend even though as of now, he and I have gone or separate ways again. It's the whole play doh thing. I don't have the time or patience to fix someone's broken heart. I don't have the patience to mend their bitterness. I am still trying to mend my broken heart and bitterness.
Speaking of beautiful, my sister is having another party tomorrow. Mother's day is finally here. I brought my Mom the perfume she wanted and my Dad also got her the wallet she wanted to match her Brahmin. My sister has changed as well. I think it's an influence in her life that has made her this way. She has a friend that my mother and I are not very fond of and I can't say it's for any reason at all. She just acts snobby this friend of my sisters. I was never into snobby chicks, I guess. I wish, I got to see more of genuine friends like Carl and Darlene.

Kori and I were supposed to take dancing lessons this week but since I have been ill, I don't have any energy. I am hoping with the weight loss and getting better I will begin to gain back some of my energy back. I am excited about taking these lessons to learn how to dance. It will help me to become healthier. I have also tried to quit smoking and I am in search of a hobby. Perhaps, I will take up Croquet? Does anyone croquet? Is it for old ladies? I don't care. I need a hobby other then writing in the blasted livejournal and poetry.

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