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I once was lost but now, I'm found


St. Francis
Only Southern Girls are flawless
jackiejournal


I went to confession today. One huge step for me and I must say that I do feel a lot better and it was not as scarry as I thought. Here is one Saint that I am really finding inspiration from..
St. Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred let me sow peace;
where there is injury let me sow forgiveness;
where there is doubt let me sow faith;
where there is despair let me give hope;
where there is darkness let me give light;
where there is sadness let me give joy.
0 Lord, grant that I may not try to be comforted, but to comfort,
not try to be understood but to understand,
not try to be loved but to love.
Because it is in giving that we receive,
it is in forgiving that we are forgiven,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
 


(no subject)
Only Southern Girls are flawless
jackiejournal
Still thinking about doing that poetry reading..


getting sick thinking about it.

(no subject)
Only Southern Girls are flawless
jackiejournal
Hey,

Check out my poems on myspace.

Other then that, I am deep in thought today after seeing that movie with Kori.

DEAR GOD: What on earth is wrong with me?
Guys are like buses
jackiejournal
Gosh, seems like ages since an update. So much has happened over the past few days that I don't even know where to begin. 

Bad news first, Tiki hit a deer. I am still awaiting the details on the story but he is ok. He and I have not had a conversion in a few weeks but we are busy. I have also been avoiding him a bit because he's so damn moody sometimes. He's worse then a woman on PMS. We all have our moments, I suppose.

I broke diet last week but this week, I am determined  to stay on track and I don't have to weigh in this week! I am trying to get my milk servings in this week. *whoop*

 One of the couples, I hang out with had a huge fight at a night club this past weekend. I hope they work things out though, either way they decide to go. Girls stick together, and these girls have been pretty genuine to me. Also this couple has friend, that I will call "The Flirt". He met me the night of her Birthday and has totally been obsessed with me ever since. Mind you, her birthday was 3 weeks ago. Apparently, he can't stop talking about me to her boyfriend. Only problem... are you ready? He's married, been married twice, has kids, going through a divorce and still has not moved out of the wife's digs. I WILL NOT EVEN GO THERE! As soon as I found out he was married, it just turned a switch off inside of me, screamed in the dark, BAD NEWS! BAD NEWS! BAD NEWS!  So, yeah.. however, it's not my last chance for romance this is just destiny's way of keeping me single for awhile to get my head together. garabge.

Good news.

My sister is in the Bahamas and comes back tomorrow.
Paid some damn bills.
Brother smoked me out this weekend, Cheers!
Frenchy came back to work. 
Made a new friend at work today in Puff Gardens. 
Heard from Mike Sharp! We're going to hang out sometime soon. I miss him but he gave me a full update about his life yesterday and we talked for a good amount of time.
Ryan promised to tame this Lion's Mane this week.


Will "The Flirt" move out of the wife's digs and stalk me on myspace? Gosh, I must be desperate. I just need a really good lay but men are pathetic at this time to me. They all are out of their skulls, have to much baggage, or are just plain losers. ugh.. I need to vomit just thinking how pathetic men are sometimes or maybe it's just me being pathetic. Will Tikki get over his PMS or will I? Will my Sister stop hanging out with snoody bitches? Well, I convince my Mom that Amsterdam is not a place for her and I go while on vacation to Europe.  I want to see the Vatican  maybe get forgiven for my sins. So, while I am at it, I can fantasize about the Flirt as long as it stays a fantasy, I can't go to hell for that? Can I?

Either way.

Stay tuned.

Paranoid
Only Southern Girls are flawless
jackiejournal
Ugh..I am so tired and drained. Where is all my energy from yesterday?  I was feeling so positive that things would get better for me. Now, I am just paranoid. I am worring about the things I can not change. I can not make Tiki apologize for being wrong, even though it might take months for him to do it. I wish he wasn't so damn arrogant. I wish, he could just take a moment to get over himself and be humble. I thought about IMing yesterday online but I don't want to be the one to say I am sorry for this one. He just needs to learn that he can not lash out at me like he's been doing if he wants me in his life. Peraphs, I need to accept the fact that he might not want me in his life at all. I am not sure how exactly he feels about me. Well, now I know he's angry with me for all the wrong reasons.-Gwen Stafani-Sweet Escape- If I could escape & recreate a place that's my own world
& I could be your favourite girl (forever), Perfectly together
Tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet escape)
If I could be sweet, I know I've been a real bad girl (I'll try to change)
I didn't mean for you to get hurt (whatsoever)
We can make it better, Tell me boy wouldn't that be sweet? (sweet )
 I need someone to vent too. Kori and Natasha are here for me but they don't really know any of these people. Diane is very busy with her own life and accomplishing all her goals. She's so driven and beautiful, I wish she would see that but she is humble and I love that about her. I wish, I could be more humble and do more good things for people but where do I start? I don't know. Everything seems beyond repair right now. My mom, her friend Nicky and I are going to Casadaga this weekend. I am excited to hear what my tarot is going to read. I need some big changes happening soon for me. I need some positive influences in my life.

Fools in Love
Only Southern Girls are flawless
jackiejournal
I just wish I could mold certain men into the men, I know they can be. I am at a time of my life where I feel tired of trying to play with the dough because it gets underneath my nails and all over the table. It's always so much work to clean it up. I am tired of the men who think my life is such a walk on the beach like I don't know how to count my own blessings and how their lives have been so tragic and flawed. .  I miss Robert. I miss the way he and I was. I know, I shouldn't miss him but I do. I laid in bed on Thursday night on his side of the bed or what used to be his side. I felt empty and covered myself up with my blanket hoping the feeling would just go away like a bad dream. It's been a long time since I thought of him and I. The way we used to be, smiling and spontaneous, in love.  I miss those times of having someone I could trust with everything. Although, I have had a lot of boyfriends after him I just can't feel the same way. I know, I will love someone just as much or maybe more but it will be different. It has taken me a long time to get over Robert and whenever I think I am over him, I hear a certain song, or smell a certain smell and it makes me think of him. I am blessed that we still talk and we've become good friends. I would never tell him any of these thoughts in fear of being seen as weak and venerable. I try to hide these character flaws so well and I find it beautiful about myself that past all the hard shell there is chocolate like an M&M. I hope to find someone one day, who thinks this is beautiful too.
I am always in search of love; to find that one person whom understands me.  I have been thinking a lot of the people from my past. I looked at a picture of me and Austin yesterday and it made me smile. I don't have any recent photographs of Tiki and I. I looked at the old pictures of Krystal, Will, Yitza and I. I have good memories of them and I would like to keep it that way...memories. I feel like a different person, now. Something has come a long and changed me. Perhaps, it was what Tiki said to me, how I was snobby at times. I never realized it before but yes, I was snobby with my success. Now, I am sitting in the same jeans that I was in before, literally. I guess, it's never to healthy to get to big for your britches. I just thought at the time it was his take on what I had become when he was interested in me. I just wasn't feeling him like that at that point and time. I am still very impartial to him as a friend even though as of now, he and I have gone or separate ways again. It's the whole play doh thing. I don't have the time or patience to fix someone's broken heart. I don't have the patience to mend their bitterness. I am still trying to mend my broken heart and bitterness.
Speaking of beautiful, my sister is having another party tomorrow. Mother's day is finally here. I brought my Mom the perfume she wanted and my Dad also got her the wallet she wanted to match her Brahmin. My sister has changed as well. I think it's an influence in her life that has made her this way. She has a friend that my mother and I are not very fond of and I can't say it's for any reason at all. She just acts snobby this friend of my sisters. I was never into snobby chicks, I guess. I wish, I got to see more of genuine friends like Carl and Darlene.

Kori and I were supposed to take dancing lessons this week but since I have been ill, I don't have any energy. I am hoping with the weight loss and getting better I will begin to gain back some of my energy back. I am excited about taking these lessons to learn how to dance. It will help me to become healthier. I have also tried to quit smoking and I am in search of a hobby. Perhaps, I will take up Croquet? Does anyone croquet? Is it for old ladies? I don't care. I need a hobby other then writing in the blasted livejournal and poetry.

Blah
Only Southern Girls are flawless
jackiejournal
Note to self: Send Jen email over myspace to make sure she didn't get swept away by the tornado in Kanas. I know she won't get it now if she was hit but at least it will be considerate of me.

My sinus are killing me today.

Are You Serious?
Guys are like buses
jackiejournal
Hey everyone,

Sorry it's been a few days since my last decent blog entry. My words have started some wars, as usual. I try to watch what I say to certain people because I am aware that I am very good at using my words as weapons. I have actually become very talented at this game of Devil's tongue. My words, however, are the only way I have to express myself really since I refrain from beating people up, throwing things, shooting things or blowing things up. The Buddhist in me, I suppose. Recently, I wrote a blog about disposing of people in my life and not being their friends anymore. Woah, I never imagined the war that would start. I tried as hard as possible to be adult about it and just say the friendship is over. We can no longer be friends because things have changed to much between us. I thought this was a normal part of life? You just grow out of some people. Well, apparently this was a big deal? So, this person went and wrote a blog about what a bitch I was on myspace for saying these things to her. I don't particularly understand the reason why she felt the need to broadcast it? Paraphs, it was for attention and to get people to feel sorry for her? I wasn't mean about the situation either.. I basically said, we're done as friends, for a,b, and c reasons. I really couldn't blame her for being upset about these reasons. I basically told her that I didn't trust her and I was impartial to her as a friend.. and who needs friends, you can't trust?... Mostly, because I never really knew where her loyalty was. Apparently, she had none to begin with because a few short days later, she wrote this terrible blog about what a horrid bitch I am. So, needless to say, she proved all my points. I couldn't trust her because she wasn't worthy of my trust or loyalties. Since her boyfriend and I are friends.. I am not sure how it's going to effect my friendship with him. I am not really going to worry about it either since he's in and out of my life. If he takes her side, which he rightly should being the boyfriend and all, I would not lose any sleep over it. In fact, I don't believe I will lose any sleep over these people. My life is good right now. I have loyal friends that I can trust with just about everything. I have friends that inspire me on a day to day basis without doing anything at all but just by being themselves. 

The day after Brian was stabbed, I will never forget what one of my managers said to me when I was on the way home in tears. "Ms. Landrau, you are the company you keep. Be careful". It took me awhile for me to realize what she was saying to me. Do I want to be a part of this crowd? No. So, in a blink of an eye, I was gone. Unfortunately, I have had to lose a good friend out of it, or so I thought this person was a good friend.  All I need in my life is the people I have in it currently, Tiki, Ryan, Kori, Natasha, Mike, Matt and the gang., Diane and Liza, although I wish I seen Liza more and wish I could be a part of her life. My fear is that she has grown out of me. That's okay though, I would rather have her in my life partially then not at all. So, I am okay with that. Yes, these are people who I never have to second guess my loyalties too.. never have to ponder if I should tell them something. Those are the kind of people I need in my life not because I am weak but only because they make me stronger.

Speaking of the gang, Natasha's birthday party is this weekend. Whoop! Sorry that I couldn't make it out to the shows but you understand why I don't attend the shows in Orlando. I MISS YOU JEN!

As for the love life,  everything is good. Tiki and I had a good laugh the other night and have been talking a lot. He's been by my side throughout this entire ordeal, trying to resolve the issues I had with him and with myself. He's been very good for me. I am going over there tonight. :)

(no subject)
Only Southern Girls are flawless
jackiejournal
So much to give the scoop on!

There will be no Anne Bolyn's in this queen's court.
Only Southern Girls are flawless
jackiejournal
You're either for me or against me.
There is no grey area in between.
I will not accept  
Gemini faces in my life.
You have clearly made your choice and for this I am thankful.
There will be no Anne Bolyn's in this queen's court.
No more snakes in the grass when I am running barefoot.
After all, I have many mongoose.

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